I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Everything happened so fast, didn't it? We went from being best friends, inseparable, to you 'hating' me, to talking again, to you being dead.


I understand why you did all of that now.


I would have done the same. Someone asked me the other day if I had feelings for you. I did love you. I still do. But not in the traditional sense. I loved you in the way that a brother would love his sister. I loved you in the way that, if you weren't here, I wouldn't be able to carry on. I don't think I could explain to someone what you meant with me without sounding like I wanted to be with you. But that isn't the case. You were my best friend, and nothing can change that fact, ever. It hurt when we stopped talking. We became a lot closer after Jay died. We didn't do anything without each other. And I get everything. I understand what you were doing. All of it. Trying to get me out of that circle of drugs and self destruction. Even if it meant me hating you. That's pretty much what I'm doing to the people in my life now. 


It did make me smile, that short week we were talking again. You called me Red. All because of that stupid hair-dye. But even then, it was like you were treating me as a different person. Because you didn't want me to get attached to you again, right?  


I used to think you were weak. Selfish. Self-absorbed. Part of me still thinks that. But the majority of me realizes that you were one of the strongest people I've ever known. Even when we weren't talking, I still held on to the fact that you were still here, and that maybe, one day, we could be friends again.


And now you're not here. What do you want me to do? 


I'm not as strong as you were. And deep down, I know it isn't you who is saying all of these things to me. But I feel like I'm losing everyone because of you. The 'real' you wouldn't say those things about Haley, Laura, and especially not Becca. But you're just convincing me that I can be replaced. Maybe I can. I'm pushing them away. And you know how good I am at that. I'm not even jealous. But saying 'The voices tell me that there might be something between *insert name here* and *insert name here*' is a lot easier than saying 'Yeah. I want you to think I'm jealous. I want that person to replace me so he/she can look after you when I'm dead.'


I know everyone will be okay. I always talk about how awesome my girlfriend's social group is. I always big up my mum's workmates, my brother's friends. Shanice and Laura have each other. Everyone will be okay. 


Besides, I've already given up. Y'know what? I think that maybe, just maybe, I would have been okay if you hadn't have killed yourself. Even if we still didn't speak. But now? There's no-one left. I'm not going to the hospital. I'm not taking any more medication. I'm backing away from people, as of now. I can't do this again.


I just want the opportunity to see you again. You helped me to speak. In fact, you and Jay are the only reason I can open my mouth around people. But if I did see you, I'm not sure what I'd do. Would I hug you? Shout and scream at you? I don't hate you, but at the same time, I do. Maybe I should hate you. But I can't bring myself to, at least not completely. I'm angry, upset, and I've never felt so damn lonely, even when we weren't speaking. I don't want to be part of any other 'friendship group'. As great as some of my college friends are, they aren't Hannah. They aren't Jay. They aren't you. 


I've lost people before. Friends, family. You were there when we lost your brother. You were there when we lost Hannah and Leah. You were there for Sam. Since you passed, Ryan's gone, too. We've both been abused, beaten, sexually assaulted. 


So why is this hurting more than all of those things combined? 


And now, I'm planning to do the same thing to the few friends I have left, to my family, to my girlfriend, the one person apart from you and our group that I like spending time with, talking to endlessly throughout the day about college, plans for the future, and random bullshit?  The one person who makes me smile? It hurts to think that I could leave her, but I'm distancing myself, just like you did with me. 


You've really messed with me, Stace. Real bad. 

Penitence

"Here, drink this. It'll take the edge off." The girl slid what appeared to be a glass of water across the table towards me. Slumped back on the couch, I raised myself forward slowly, the entire room spinning, my stomach churning. She grinned at me, her raven-black hair with a single streak of red covered one of her grass-coloured eyes. 
"Hey. I meant what I said before, right?"
Reaching for the glass, I nodded in her direction, before moving the liquid towards my mouth. What could only be described as the smell of acetone reached my nostrils. Shrugging it off, I poured it into my mouth, before spluttering and coughing violently. 
"What the hell is this?" 
"Vodka." She grimaced. "Don't tell me you can't handle it."
"I've never tried it before." Placing my tongue in the vodka, I felt a burning sensation run up it towards the back of my throat. "Why do people drink this?"
The girl must have stood up at some point, because she was standing by the photos on the wall. They all portrayed the perfect family life: the mother and father holding hands, both wearing a smile powerful enough to light up the world. The daughter, an innocent, pretty looking thing, with her arm around her brother, his long brown hair covering most of his face, a wide grin on his face. They looked so happy. Stroking the photo and sighing, she stumbled towards me, collapsing on the couch. 
"Makes things a bit easier." She rested her head on my shoulders, closing her eyes. "You act a lot older than you actually are."
Moving my head slightly so it wasn't touching hers, I drank more of the vodka, forcing myself to swallow it. "That's kinda random."
"Hey, this is me you're talking to. Remember that conversation we had before?"
"It's true though! The new Simpsons episodes are shit! That's common knowledge!"
The girl giggled, running her thumb down my cheek. I flinched slightly, before remembering who I was with. 
"Shit. I'm sorry, it's the alcohol and drugs, I forgot-"
Shaking my head vigorously, I smirked. "It's alright. I know it's you."
"I know, but I don't want-"
"It's okay. You need a hug, don't you."
She began to whimper, her body convulsing repeatedly.
"I miss him so much, Red. I can't do this anymore."
Shifting upright, I put my hands on her shoulder, forcing her to sit upwards.


Get your hands off her. 

"Hey. Yes you can. I'm gonna make sure you can, yeah?" Tears streamed down her face, her eyeliner leaving stains of darkness on her face. "I need you here. I'm not sure what I'd do otherwise."
"You'd be fine. I'm not anything special."
"Stace, you're my best friend. The only friend I have left." Shifting her eyes to the floor, she bit her lip, the skin just underneath turning ghost-white.
"I shouldn't be." 


OFF!
Shut up.


"Shouldn't be the only friend I have left?"
"No. I shouldn't be your friend full stop."
"Hey." I lifted her chin up, looking into her eyes. Immediantly, she pulled away, sobbing heavily.


That's all you cause. 
Pain.
Suffering.
Don't look, touch, speak, smile. Just die.


I grabbed the glass of vodka quickly, drinking it as if it were water. I didn't feel anything. The world began to pulse violently.
"Stace...? Are you there?" Falling sideways, my face landed on her legs, her tears dropping onto my face from above, just as if I was standing in the rain. A few minutes passed, and then my tears began to mix with hers. "I'm sorry."


I'm sorry.


"I'm sorry." I murmured, running my hands through her long, blonde hair, as her life slipped away. 
"I'm sorry." I said down the phone, knowing it was too late, that he couldn't hear me anymore.
I'm sorry." I screeched, as he raised his fist.
"I'm sorry." I blurted sporadically, when stood in front of the deceased's families and friends.
"I'm sorry." I shouted, as I watched my best friend walk away.
"I'm sorry." I cried, as I read the note from that very same person.
"I'm sorry." I whispered, as I watched tears stream down her face from her blue eyes.
"I'm sorry." I screamed at you as you hurt me, over and over.
"I'm sorry." I uttered to myself, wishing the pain would end, one way or another.


And it's 'sorry' that you will say again.

Fighting the Impulse

Holding the knife,
Demons approaching me.
The walls are closing in,
The lights go out.


The monsters, the monsters!
My deepest fears!
The monsters, the monsters!
They are here!


Her and him,
You and me.
Eyes that see,
Eyes that bleed. 


Did I turn you into what you are today?
Did I do nothing to help?
Did I not free you from your prison?
Did I not save you...?



The monsters, the monsters!
My deepest fears!
The monsters, the monsters!
They are here!


What have I started?
I can't defeat a god!
The god we worship,
The god that gave up.


Snarling, drooling,
Those red eyes that follow me in the dark.
They're inside me!
The monsters!


What have I done? 
I'm insane!
Can I bring you down?
Without ending everything?


Listen to me, everything I say,
I know what this is, 
It's happened before!
The disease that is you.



Did I turn you into what you are today?
Did I do nothing to help?
Did I not free you from your prison?
Did I not save you...?


Swing that knife! 
Slash through the dark!
Take down the gods!
Fight for your life!


Say it again, is that really you?
Is that your voice?
Your smile...
You're affected.


Can you stop the flow of time?
The past, the pain.
It never ends.
Include me in your games no more!


That isn't you!
The eyes, the crimson skies,
The knife that cuts through the dark.
That isn't me!



The monsters, the monsters!
My deepest fears!
The monsters, the monsters!
They are here!


The monsters, the monsters!
The monsters, the monsters!
The monsters, the monsters! 
The monsters, the monsters!


Use me, wield me.
Cut them down!
My sharp edge, your heavy heart.
We can take god down!

Interference

It's been a while, huh? 


Not long enough.


Ha. How've you been?


...Y'know. The usual.


The usual?


Yeah.


What does that mean?


What?


What does 'the usual' mean?


I'm not entirely sure anymore.


It's funny. From where I'm standing, the past few weeks have been anything but 'the usual'.


Yeah? And just where are you standing?


Only you know the answer to that one.

Whisper

I know you've been through hell.
I wish you took your bell.
Running through the fire and flames,
Wondering why people play these sick games.


I'm with you now though,
Grasping your halo.

I know it's been hard,

But you deserve a second card.

I know it's been tough,

What it means to have to bluff.

But I've run a mile, and I'd run many more, 

not to tell you more lies,

But just to say:

C'mon, pretty eyes. Make the world melt with your smile.

S.E.E.S

January 31st. Mother Night. Here's a few of my favourite Arcana quotes from Nyx.


The moment man devoured the fruit of knowledge, he sealed his fate... Entrusting his future to the cards, man clings to a dim hope. Yes, the arcana is the means by which all is revealed. Attaining one's dream requires a stern will and unfailing determination. - Fool/Magician Arcana


The arcana is the means by which all is revealed. The silent voice within one's heart whispers the most profound wisdom. - Priestess Arcana


The arcana is the means by which all is revealed. There is both joy and wonder in coming to understand another. - Lovers Arcana


The arcana is the means by which all is revealed. To find one's true path, one must seek guidance amidst uncertainty. - Justice Arcana


The arcana is the means by which all is revealed. It requires great courage to look at oneself honestly and forge one's own path. - Hermit Arcana 


The arcana is the means by which all is revealed. Alongside time exists fate, the bearer of cruelty. - Fortune Arcana


The arcana is the means by which all is revealed. Only with strength can one endure suffering and torment. - Strength Arcana


The arcana is the means by which all is revealed. In the face of disaster lies opportunity for renewal. - Hanged Man Arcana

Pursuing My True Self

[Decided to go for something a little different this time. This whole idea of a 'shadow' is from P4. And usual warning: Self-harm imagery, and possibly some disturbing concepts.]




Everyone has secrets. Secrets that they won't admit to anyone, not even themselves. These secrets, over time, manifest into something inside of us. They continue to grow, until they are strong enough to become something more than feelings. They become something living.


They become our shadow.


And eventually, you have to face your shadow. You have to face yourself.


~~~~~


Opening my eyes, I looked upon a shadowy figure sat upon a crimson-coloured chair. He was staring at me, his empty yellow eyes sending shivers down my spine. A black mist was emanating from his body, enveloping the immediate area, giving off the smell of a rotting corpse. Hesitantly, I made my way forward, trying not to breathe. A wry smile appeared on the creature's face. 


"It's about time we met."


Coughing heavily, I started to stumble, always moving towards the creature. All of a sudden, he was right in front of me, his face so close to mine that our noses were touching. The stench of blood, of death, laced his breath.


"You don't like being this close to people, do you, Saber?"


"Wh-what?"


I recognized that voice. It was slightly distorted, but I knew who it belonged to.


It was mine. 


'I' raised my hand slowly, running it across my cheek. I wanted to run, to push this...thing, away. But I couldn't. I was rooted to the spot, able to do nothing but stare into 'my' own eyes.


"I know that's a lie. I love being close to people! Who doesn't? My skin touching theirs...it makes me feel wanted!"


I blinked rapidly, unable to say a word.


"And ohhh, how I want to feel wanted! I don't care if people just use me. I don't give a fuck anymore! I want to feel loved. By someone. By anyone! It doesn't matter if it's fake, I just want to feel like the only person that matters! I want to be the center of attention for once!"


Shadow Saber took a few steps back, his eyes never breaking contact with mine.


"I want to be special to someone! Is that so much to ask?! I want to be able to break down, like normal people! People expect me to get up everyday with a smile on my face, and help them with their 'problems'. Like I give a fuck about them! Their problems are always so... STUPID! Do you know how many times I've wanted to punch people in the throat because they won't shut up? It's bullshit!"


"That's not true..." I managed to mutter. I was breathing heavily, my head swimming. I felt like I was drowning. Shadow Saber laughed manically.


"All of that is true! Except I like helping people...it makes me feel like I've accomplished something! As long as it makes me feel better about my own worthless self, I'll solve as many problems as people throw at me. Not for their sake, though! Hahaha!"


I felt sick to my stomach. Shaking with rage, I suddenly found my voice once again.


"Don't act like you know me! You don't know the first fucking thing about me!"


"HAHAHAHAHA! I know more about me than you know about you! I am you! The real you, not that facade you put on for the people around you!"


Blood was creeping out of the corner of his mouth. Wiping it viciously, Shadow Saber began to scream. The windows in the room shattered, glass flying everywhere. A shard flew past me, slicing my cheek. The blood immediantly ran down, entering my mouth. Shadow Saber began to stroke his own cheek, groaning suggestively. 


"Ahhhhh! Blood! Blood really is the only thing that makes me feel better! It escapes from me...out flow my problems! It feels so warm, so loving...the pain that comes with each cut...Oh, how I enjoy the pain! But I never run out of blood, it never leaves me alone! And that's the last thing I want. How many times have I thought to myself 'Please, just talk to me!'? People think I like being alone? Bullshit! I HATE IT!"


"JUST SHUT UP!"


"No! I spend far too much time being quiet! I want to shout, to scream! I have every right to! 


Shadow Saber began to whimper softly, his eyes starting to glisten.


"Kids...they act like it's the end of the world when something insignificant happens. 'Oh, I can't go to a crappy gig I wanted to go to!' or 'My dad wants me home before 10! What the fuck?!'. At least they can go to gigs without seeing dead people's faces everywhere! At least they have a dad who cares for them!"


"Don't bring him up! I don't care about him!"


"But I do! I hate him, I hate his guts! But I always think about him. Why would someone who is meant to be one of the most important and influential in my life treat me like that? Why did he do what he did? What did I do? WHAT DID YOU DO?!"


I felt all the energy leave my body. Honestly? For the first time in my life, I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to cry. To cut. To do everything that I apparently enjoyed doing. 


"Stop it...please. Just stop." Tears began to roll down my face, seeping into the cut on my cheek, making it sting. I needed the pain right now.


"But I have so much more on OUR minds! How about my friend? One of the only people in my entire life that I liked, that I didn't push away. And where is he now? He's dead. Because of me. OF YOU!"


I was almost at breaking point.


"There's so much more to talk about! Feeling worthless all my life...not particularly good at anything, less-than-average looking...I could go on! I'm just so...pathetic! I can't even kill myself properly! How many times have I tried?!"


Gritting my teeth, I clenched my fist tightly, about to snap completely. 


"Each day, it just gets harder and harder. COMPLETE. BULLSHIT. We may as well kill ourselves now, it isn't going to get any-"


That was it.


"SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU. ARE. NOT. ME!"


Shadow Saber stopped talking. He just giggled hysterically. The dark aura surrounding him became stronger and much more hostile. It began to crawl up my arm, towards my face, into my eyes. 


Everything was dark for what felt like an age. Gradually though, the colour began to creep back into my world. I could barely make out the outline of the new creature stood in front of me. However, slowly but surely, I noticed distinctive features.


Two heads. One looked happy, content. The other looked distraught, a constant flow of crimson tears running from its eyes. 


Gaping wounds, pulsating with anger. They almost looked like organisms themselves.


Its tongue reached the floor, a pile of blood slowly amassing, creeping towards me. Razor blades and knives protruded almost every part of the tongue, right to the tip.


Bright red words, all over its body. 'Hate'. 'Death'. 'Lonely'. 


A hole, a hole that seemingly went on forever, where its heart should be. Black fluid seeped outwards, towards the ground.


What the hell was this?


The monster grinned, its many teeth looked as sharp as spikes.


"I aM tHE shAdOW. ThE tRUe SElF."


Whilst I was taking all of this in, I should have been panicking. More so than before. But I wasn't. A wave of calmness had overcome me.


"No. No you're not. Not anymore. There's something...SOMEONE you've forgotten about. Someone that gives me strength."


The monster roared, the entire room shaking with the force of an earthquake. I didn't flinch.


"YoU THinK yoU STanD A chANCe?"


Smiling somewhat, I began to run towards the black hole in the monster's chest. 


"I do. Because I have something you don't."